Oi.
It hasn't quite hit me yet that this is my last day at home for three weeks, getting up early and running, then walking and working in the garden with my mom; eating breakfast on the front porch and reading; fixing salads and baking; writing, using our lush garden as inspiration; relaxing with my rabbit in my lap as I read a good book; settling in at night and reading myself to sleep while visions of the day just gone by and the next one coming up dance through my head; along with the things that aren't as relaxing, that I have to do...which isn't much, now that summer's started (really just getting ready for China).
Tomorrow at this time I'll be on a plane...and I won't be in Hong Kong until...9-ish in the morning our time. (I believe that's right.)
Anyway. Wow. I'm trying to make the most of this last day...but I don't want to do anything monumentally special. Just...have a calm, normal day. Eat some fresh fruit! Since I can't have that in China unless it's peel-able. Don't be surprised if you hear from me later...but don't be surprised if you don't. After all, I don't want to spend all of my time on the computer. Gotta soak up that Yellow Springs energy!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Malls, Thunder, Strawberries, and Purses
I told you there was more to tell about my day yesterday.
My mom and I went shopping for stuff for China. And now I think I have everything I need, except a pair of really nice-looking, comfortable, walking shoes...which I already have an alternative of. Anyway, we had to go to the mall: I hate the mall. I even begin to despise myself when I go in there. Unfortunately, sometimes you've just got to go to it, but I really wish that wasn't so. It all feels so wasteful and unnecessary, and like it's just a huge lie, a pocket away from reality, where one doesn't have anything one really has to do. Besides buy, buy, buy.
I mentioned the weird weather yesterday. It really was one of the weirdest days, weather-wise, that I've ever experienced. It was raining and thundering in the morning, with eventually some lightning. Then that died down, and while we were out shopping it was sunny and hot. Later, at about 6 or so, it started to thunder again, gradually working its way up to a rainstorm with lightning again. But here's the thing: I looked out of my window at 8:00 to see that it was almost completely dark out, but at 8:30 it was very light again. That was strange. This is all not to mention that it was windy, the kind of wind that reminds me of a hurricane because it seems to swirl around and around, then tempt the rain to join it. Fortunately, I don't think there's much of a chance of us getting a hurricane in Ohio.
This morning I woke up early and worked in the garden with my mother. (This time weird nightmarish dreams didn't get in the way of my sleep.) I like getting up early so that I can begin the day's productivity before the day itself really begins. I don't really like doing things in the middle of the day, especially when it's so agonizingly hot outside, so I much prefer to wake up early, get some exercise or just start my day, relax in the middle of the day (read, blog, make some good food, be sleepy...), then get a little more exercise and accomplish a few more things at night. I'm much more agreeable that way.
One of the things we did was picking strawberries! It's terrifically fun and satisfying: each little berry is like a piece of gold in a mine of green leaves and soil. You get so focused that you don't even realize how much you've picked, and then look at your basket to discover that it already contains a couple of jars' worth of strawberries! Sometime today my mother and I are going to make strawberry rhubarb sauce, or possibly pie, with all the berries we've acquired.
We went to the street fair today. It's held two times, once in June and then again in October, and it's a fun event, but more so for people who live out of town, I think. It really just consists of a whole bunch of booths, at least a third of which must sell jewelry, filling up the length of two of the main streets downtown. My mom and I went down there to buy gifts for my hosts families in China, and we settled on some packs of gift cards, bookmarks, and magnets with beautiful pictures of some places in Glen Helen. I also got a really pretty skirt, and then we picked up our box of food from the farming CSA we're a part of. (More strawberries!) Anyway, at the street fair, there are an abundance of purses. Purses of all kinds of sizes, shapes, patterns, materials, colors... And each one seems more tempting than the next. Of course, I always look at those things only entertaining a sort of admiring fancy, never setting my thoughts in order to actually be thinking of buying one. Which is good - I never go there expecting to get something or necessarily even wanting to. So when I do find something I really like, I feel like it's a good buy - and not that I'm being luxurious!
I also got a book on China, from the used book store downtown (which smells of old books, and has tons of them, along with a black cat who's always hanging around...it's a nice place to go for some quiet; I think the many pages and pages contained in the books absorb all the noise or something). It's a big thick one from Lonely Planet, and it has a lot more information than I need, but some very useful things just the same.
I've really got to take a shower now, and then I think I'll give in to my sleepiness and simply settle down with a good book. Ah, I'm looking forward to that... Soon, though, possibly later tonight, I've got to start packing early for China! (WOW, I'm leaving in less than a week! And trying to pack in as many blog posts as I can.)
My mom and I went shopping for stuff for China. And now I think I have everything I need, except a pair of really nice-looking, comfortable, walking shoes...which I already have an alternative of. Anyway, we had to go to the mall: I hate the mall. I even begin to despise myself when I go in there. Unfortunately, sometimes you've just got to go to it, but I really wish that wasn't so. It all feels so wasteful and unnecessary, and like it's just a huge lie, a pocket away from reality, where one doesn't have anything one really has to do. Besides buy, buy, buy.
I mentioned the weird weather yesterday. It really was one of the weirdest days, weather-wise, that I've ever experienced. It was raining and thundering in the morning, with eventually some lightning. Then that died down, and while we were out shopping it was sunny and hot. Later, at about 6 or so, it started to thunder again, gradually working its way up to a rainstorm with lightning again. But here's the thing: I looked out of my window at 8:00 to see that it was almost completely dark out, but at 8:30 it was very light again. That was strange. This is all not to mention that it was windy, the kind of wind that reminds me of a hurricane because it seems to swirl around and around, then tempt the rain to join it. Fortunately, I don't think there's much of a chance of us getting a hurricane in Ohio.
This morning I woke up early and worked in the garden with my mother. (This time weird nightmarish dreams didn't get in the way of my sleep.) I like getting up early so that I can begin the day's productivity before the day itself really begins. I don't really like doing things in the middle of the day, especially when it's so agonizingly hot outside, so I much prefer to wake up early, get some exercise or just start my day, relax in the middle of the day (read, blog, make some good food, be sleepy...), then get a little more exercise and accomplish a few more things at night. I'm much more agreeable that way.
One of the things we did was picking strawberries! It's terrifically fun and satisfying: each little berry is like a piece of gold in a mine of green leaves and soil. You get so focused that you don't even realize how much you've picked, and then look at your basket to discover that it already contains a couple of jars' worth of strawberries! Sometime today my mother and I are going to make strawberry rhubarb sauce, or possibly pie, with all the berries we've acquired.
We went to the street fair today. It's held two times, once in June and then again in October, and it's a fun event, but more so for people who live out of town, I think. It really just consists of a whole bunch of booths, at least a third of which must sell jewelry, filling up the length of two of the main streets downtown. My mom and I went down there to buy gifts for my hosts families in China, and we settled on some packs of gift cards, bookmarks, and magnets with beautiful pictures of some places in Glen Helen. I also got a really pretty skirt, and then we picked up our box of food from the farming CSA we're a part of. (More strawberries!) Anyway, at the street fair, there are an abundance of purses. Purses of all kinds of sizes, shapes, patterns, materials, colors... And each one seems more tempting than the next. Of course, I always look at those things only entertaining a sort of admiring fancy, never setting my thoughts in order to actually be thinking of buying one. Which is good - I never go there expecting to get something or necessarily even wanting to. So when I do find something I really like, I feel like it's a good buy - and not that I'm being luxurious!
I also got a book on China, from the used book store downtown (which smells of old books, and has tons of them, along with a black cat who's always hanging around...it's a nice place to go for some quiet; I think the many pages and pages contained in the books absorb all the noise or something). It's a big thick one from Lonely Planet, and it has a lot more information than I need, but some very useful things just the same.
I've really got to take a shower now, and then I think I'll give in to my sleepiness and simply settle down with a good book. Ah, I'm looking forward to that... Soon, though, possibly later tonight, I've got to start packing early for China! (WOW, I'm leaving in less than a week! And trying to pack in as many blog posts as I can.)
Friday, June 10, 2011
Loss and a Place of Torture
Today...has been a strange day. About 35 minutes ago, I felt happy and content, then 30 minutes ago I felt like the stupidest person in the world.
First, I wake up at 6 a.m. after a dream about not being ready for school. I jumped out of bed the moment I realized that school was OVER, to find that a) I was sweating like a pig (I've never actually seen a pig sweat...do they really?), b) I really had to pee, and c) the rumbles of thunder were real, not in my dream (so that's why they didn't really fit the scene at all, I thought), which leads into d) I wasn't in a very deep sleep. I tried to go back to sleep, but never did completely, and for a couple hours afterward my bed became a place of torture and panic and indecision, which I was actually very glad to depart from when the time came. This meant that - and it's still true - my eyes have been simply slits in my head the whole day, slits that want to close and drift off to sleep any chance they get.
Funnily enough - though nothing about this is the slightest bit funny, and I'm totally not willing to even begin to think that way - the second horrible event of today also happened while I was on my bed. I had typed up a little piece of writing earlier, while I was sitting on the porch eating breakfast, on my iPhone. On the Notes app on my iPhone. It was a part of another something I'd started before, and I was inspired by the strange weather. So tonight, I was going to put it on my computer, possibly write some more and see where it would fit in. But instead of tapping the little envelope icon at the bottom of the Notes screen, I tapped the trash can instead.
I deleted my writing.
It felt like someone died. It felt like everyone had died, honestly, or like my own soul had departed and left a dry, crumpled, useless shell instead. It felt like the world was collapsing, like all the words and stories and memories of the world were gone forever.
I moaned, and I cried, I mourned, but I didn't forget what I had just deleted. I was completely panicked, but I forced my mind to work in hyper-drive to remember all of those words as best I could to re-write it. I wanted to collapse into my mother's arms. I wanted to eat a tub of ice cream. I wanted to tear my hair out, throw my iPhone (which is new, by the way - I got the updated version) into our creek, and beat the ground with my fists. I wanted to express my RAGE. But instead, I did what a writer must do, and I....wrote.
And what came out of it is, I think, pretty close to the original.
The strangest thing is that one of my first thoughts after I deleted it was, "It was meant to be." I never think things are meant to be! I'm not a believer in fate (which isn't to say that I'm a believer of free will either...but lets save that monologue for another time), and I never think about things that way. But even as I wrote, the thought kept racing through my head. "Meant to be, meant to be, meant to be..." And then I kept doing what I always do, defend the easy route, and defied that to say, "Yeah, but still, I DELETED MY WRITING!"...which would bring on another bout of tears. Why I thought this, and why I am so sure of it still, is a complete mystery, and one which I shall prevent myself from trying to solve right now...at all costs. No, I don't want to think about that right now.
At least I've blogged about it.
That's not even to mention the weird weird weird weather! There's more I could tell about today...more I will tell. But now, I need to leave this world. I need to go into the world of a book, disappear into it, into a place where people don't delete their writing, and if they do...you admire them afterward if they rewrite it. (So now, I suppose, I can admire myself. In the movie Little Women, the main character's sister burns a whole book of her writing because she's mad at the main character, who has to then rewrite the entire thing. I always thought, god, I would die, how would someone ever do that? I guess now I know.) I need to go to a place where there are no iPhones without a trash you can recover things from, no sleep deprivation, no places of torture that exist within your very own little "safe haven" of your own bed. I've gotta get OUT! And I'll be much more likable when I return.
First, I wake up at 6 a.m. after a dream about not being ready for school. I jumped out of bed the moment I realized that school was OVER, to find that a) I was sweating like a pig (I've never actually seen a pig sweat...do they really?), b) I really had to pee, and c) the rumbles of thunder were real, not in my dream (so that's why they didn't really fit the scene at all, I thought), which leads into d) I wasn't in a very deep sleep. I tried to go back to sleep, but never did completely, and for a couple hours afterward my bed became a place of torture and panic and indecision, which I was actually very glad to depart from when the time came. This meant that - and it's still true - my eyes have been simply slits in my head the whole day, slits that want to close and drift off to sleep any chance they get.
Funnily enough - though nothing about this is the slightest bit funny, and I'm totally not willing to even begin to think that way - the second horrible event of today also happened while I was on my bed. I had typed up a little piece of writing earlier, while I was sitting on the porch eating breakfast, on my iPhone. On the Notes app on my iPhone. It was a part of another something I'd started before, and I was inspired by the strange weather. So tonight, I was going to put it on my computer, possibly write some more and see where it would fit in. But instead of tapping the little envelope icon at the bottom of the Notes screen, I tapped the trash can instead.
I deleted my writing.
It felt like someone died. It felt like everyone had died, honestly, or like my own soul had departed and left a dry, crumpled, useless shell instead. It felt like the world was collapsing, like all the words and stories and memories of the world were gone forever.
I moaned, and I cried, I mourned, but I didn't forget what I had just deleted. I was completely panicked, but I forced my mind to work in hyper-drive to remember all of those words as best I could to re-write it. I wanted to collapse into my mother's arms. I wanted to eat a tub of ice cream. I wanted to tear my hair out, throw my iPhone (which is new, by the way - I got the updated version) into our creek, and beat the ground with my fists. I wanted to express my RAGE. But instead, I did what a writer must do, and I....wrote.
And what came out of it is, I think, pretty close to the original.
Fortunately, I solved a TV problem in less than a minute which my parents were getting frustrated about, right after I completed the rewriting. So that kind of made my night.
The strangest thing is that one of my first thoughts after I deleted it was, "It was meant to be." I never think things are meant to be! I'm not a believer in fate (which isn't to say that I'm a believer of free will either...but lets save that monologue for another time), and I never think about things that way. But even as I wrote, the thought kept racing through my head. "Meant to be, meant to be, meant to be..." And then I kept doing what I always do, defend the easy route, and defied that to say, "Yeah, but still, I DELETED MY WRITING!"...which would bring on another bout of tears. Why I thought this, and why I am so sure of it still, is a complete mystery, and one which I shall prevent myself from trying to solve right now...at all costs. No, I don't want to think about that right now.
At least I've blogged about it.
That's not even to mention the weird weird weird weather! There's more I could tell about today...more I will tell. But now, I need to leave this world. I need to go into the world of a book, disappear into it, into a place where people don't delete their writing, and if they do...you admire them afterward if they rewrite it. (So now, I suppose, I can admire myself. In the movie Little Women, the main character's sister burns a whole book of her writing because she's mad at the main character, who has to then rewrite the entire thing. I always thought, god, I would die, how would someone ever do that? I guess now I know.) I need to go to a place where there are no iPhones without a trash you can recover things from, no sleep deprivation, no places of torture that exist within your very own little "safe haven" of your own bed. I've gotta get OUT! And I'll be much more likable when I return.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Summer and Three Years
Yes, it's here, summer's here, no more school, no more MIDDLE school, oh my goodness, it's summer...
WOW.
I can't believe three whole years have gone by since I received that letter in the mail offering me the scholarship to Miami Valley School. I can't believe that almost three years ago, I met three girls whom I still share an (almost) undying friendship with (because there are those inevitable ups and downs). I can't believe that I am now, officially as of about 7:00 last night, a high schooler. I can't believe that I'll never again get up and go to school to walk into the blue-carpeted middle school commons. And I can't believe I'm leaving for China next week.
And those three years have been an invaluable, unforgettable, and enlightening experience. There were some extremely hard times, but I learned from every single one of them. And I tried, I always tried, to do my best. I put a bit of me into everything that I created. And that's hard - it took some of out of me. Frankly, I'm pretty exhausted now! Pretty ready for a break. Pretty ready for a pretty busy break...
WOW.
I can't believe three whole years have gone by since I received that letter in the mail offering me the scholarship to Miami Valley School. I can't believe that almost three years ago, I met three girls whom I still share an (almost) undying friendship with (because there are those inevitable ups and downs). I can't believe that I am now, officially as of about 7:00 last night, a high schooler. I can't believe that I'll never again get up and go to school to walk into the blue-carpeted middle school commons. And I can't believe I'm leaving for China next week.
And those three years have been an invaluable, unforgettable, and enlightening experience. There were some extremely hard times, but I learned from every single one of them. And I tried, I always tried, to do my best. I put a bit of me into everything that I created. And that's hard - it took some of out of me. Frankly, I'm pretty exhausted now! Pretty ready for a break. Pretty ready for a pretty busy break...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
A Little Surreal
I'm feeling a little surreal this evening - tomorrow is my last day of middle school academic classes. After tomorrow, we have student government olympics and then advisory parties on Friday...and the next 2 and a half weeks will be project period! (Which I'm deathly excited for...I say that a lot - I use deathly to express extremity...not sure if that's technically correct in English...but in Mandarin it is, so no matter...hmm, I suppose we say excited to death...I should really stop thinking in circles.) I shut myself in my room tonight to study for our English test over Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird. And I'm finished! Now just to get to sleep not too late...be ready for English test and finishing math final tomorrow...and be moderately prepared to get up and face the world with brushed teeth, gym clothes, and an adequate, packed lunch! Of course there's also the more than twenty Mandarin characters to study...so I should probably end this post now! Just thought I should write a post on the last night that I'll have homework in middle school! Good night, and good luck (with whatever your battles are)!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
"The Kite Runner," Dusty Boxes, and Mother's Day
This morning the first thing I did was to finish reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. And it's definitely a favorite of mine now! My mother commented a few days ago on the fact that it was a pretty heavy topic to be reading about right before bed, but I said it doesn't bother me at all. The reason? The writing is flawless. It draws you in and brings you to the place in the story, whether that be the streets of Afghanistan forty years ago or a San Fransisco flea market twenty years ago. It was one of those books that made me feel like I wasn't reading - just experiencing. The story is touching, and many times extremely tragic...sometimes hard to think about. There were barely any differences between the book and the movie, but reading the book was still amazing experience. So I would definitely recommend it...
After studying for our To Kill A Mockingbird quiz on Monday for a few minutes, I called Cora to talk about English and math. After addressing our various questions, we talked for quite a while about childhood toys and memories. With the phone still in my hand, I jumped up and made my way to the pantry joining the garage to the house, where I recovered a box containing three of my remaining American Girl Dolls and their many outfits.
I pretty much freaked out when I saw these. What excited me most was their hair...it was still in such perfect condition! I pulled the top one out - her name is Elizabeth, she's from colonial times - and hugged her. I was seriously squealing. Then my phone died and I had to take care of that, call Cora back, all the while trying to hold back my excitement. About these dolls. They are just so cool! (It's good that I was home alone at the time, because I screamed so spiritedly at one point while talking to Cora that my parents would probably have been considerably alarmed...so clearly, I didn't do a very good job of holding back my excitement...why should I?) Right now, she's sitting on my bed, right where I left her. I didn't have the heart to stow her away again the box...not quite yet. You have to understand - these dolls are practically a monument to my childhood. And apparently I haven't quite gotten over them.
So, after hanging up the phone, I continued my raid of childhood memorabilia. I brought in the chest that went along with the "art doll" that my mom handmade for me; I searched for my Webkinz, but to no avail (and that's still bothering me, seeing as those little stuffed animals were the subjects of many hours on the computer and pleading looks up to my parents in bookstores); however, I did find the box of scrapbooking supplies my mom and I had been wondering about for a while. And I also pulled out a little box of memories that contained the numerous notes the "fairies" had written to me, along with two books with fairy stories and chants, and, even, my baby teeth, which the tooth fairy graciously let me keep (yes, they were thoroughly cleaned before being deposited in the box...besides, I hardly ever bled). As I looked at these things, and read a few of the notes, I was struck by the tenacity with which my mother took to making me happy, to giving me a blessed childhood.
And then I thought: what better Mother's Day present than to remind her of what a wonderful mother she's been? So I kept the box out, and later in the day, we looked through it together. We read the fairy stories and all of the little notes. And then she pulled out other books she has with drawings that I did when I was about 2 or 3, even poems I wrote, things I said...and a book of more fairy stories that she wrote and illustrated for me. When I think of the first 6 or 7 years of my life, I am filled with a warm, sunny, comfortable feeling...but actual memories are sparse. When I see the minuscule notes my mother left for me to find when I woke up in the morning, I remember more, like the fact that I was desperate for a watch, or that I hated the color green (well, I remembered that...). And then I saw that, in one of the books my mom pulled out, she had put together a collection of memories and words and drawings to remind me of my childhood, my parents, my friends, my experiences... And it was so touching, so incredible. I shared a very nice time with my mother today, a time of remembering and sharing and laughing and almost crying sometimes...because she is an amazing mother. An unimaginably amazing mother - and I could never dare to ask for anything more. So thank you, and happy Mother's Day.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Some Mid-Afternoon Thoughts
Well, here I am, lying in the big bed with my stuff spread all around, computer on my lap, trying to accept the fact that it's finally a nice day outside and I can't enjoy it. Because my body is fighting off samples of three - sometimes deadly - diseases: measles, mumps, and rubella.
I stayed home yesterday for the whole day, and I thought I felt well enough to come to school today, so I decided to be a fighter and go for it...but I didn't start feeling better once I got to school; which I usually do - friends cheer me up. So I called my dad and he picked me up a little after lunch. The whole ride home, I put the seat back, laid back and closed my eyes, and listened to the tape my dad was playing of a class about how the brain learns. It was actually very interesting; and more enjoyable since I didn't have to worry about remembering any of the information. Once home, I retreated to this bedroom where I've been since - watching Glee on our new, HDTV with Internet, slowly wading through a math worksheet that I just found out is for extra practice, and watching YouTube videos made by two awesome brothers that Cora told me about. I'm much happier now...but still feeling kind of sick.
Seeing as it's quite difficult for me to form a whole string of thought, I'll just write some random things that have come to mind recently...if they don't make any sense...well, don't be surprised.
1.) I bumped against the TV when I was walking back to the bed a few minutes ago, and boy did it hurt! I didn't stop to marvel at the pain though, just kept going... I guess I bump into things so often now that I've become sort of immune to it.
2.) One of the only reasons (and singularly most important) that I went to school today was to present the video about charity: water to the middle school. I wanted to be a part of telling everyone about the project since it's important to me! But guess what??
The sound didn't work out. That is such an annoying reason. So i was really bummed.
Yeah, okay it ultimately sucked.
3.) It's times like these when I need to turn to the AWESOME things in the world, like Harry Potter, grapes, tea, soft pillows, or VlogBrothers YouTube videos (whose entire goal, pretty much, is increasing awesome - I'll explain more later).
4.) I haven't had Chinese food in too long.
5.) God, I seriously can't finish a thought! Today at school I was always afraid that I would open my mouth and hibbly-gibbly nonsense would come out.
6.) Is hibbly-gibble actually, like, a known term? Or only in Mollie-land?
7.) I was wondering last night... Is there a scientific or psychological reason that certain songs get stuck in our heads? Or is the tune just catchy? And what's the reason - scientifically - that those tunes are catchy?
8.) Yeah, I can't even answer the question of whether or not I want salad. Something's messed up here...
Okay, I'm pretty proud of myself! I can think enough to write that, at least... So let's hope I feel better! I don't want to miss school tomorrow! It'll be a fun day - it's Grandparents' Day in the morning (which means a totally messed up schedule and shortened classes) and Spring Fling all afternoon! Right now that actually sounds totally miserable, seeing as I don't do well in situations that are supposed to be happy when I'm sad...but hopefully I'll be happy!
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